We have been repeatedly told not to “judge a book by its cover” but, this strikes against reality. We humans have evolved to judge others by their appearance for our survival and safety. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s dangerous and foolish not to do it.
Before anyone gets upset, it is true that when there is time and freedom, it’s ideal to judge others on more than simple outward appearance. This is because morality and good character can be found underneath a careless or disheveled exterior and evil can cloak itself in the finest clothes and most graceful manners.
What does “time and freedom” mean here? Well let’s say you’re walking on the street and have somewhere to be and don’t have time for any stops. You catch sight of an odd-looking person up ahead. You can’t put your finger on it but there is something unsettling about their expression or way of moving. Your gut instinct, honed by many years of experience by your ancestors, has been activated and informed you to be cautious and to cross to the other side of the road. Did you just discriminate? Yes, you did, and it is a healthy human activity. You discriminate when you choose a healthy food option over an unhealthy one. You discriminate all the time.
Those who would call you a horrible person are being nonsensical and apparently don’t want you to take proper precautions with your life–don’t listen to them. What we dislike and ultimately fear are others actively choosing, in most situations, to not allow us any opportunity to reveal ourselves beyond what is initially apparent. We all appreciate those who hold off on making a determination about us until after fair and adequate investigation. Many of us enjoy giving this opportunity, as well, in the spirit of and hope for reciprocity.
We should always use our minds and knowledge to be discriminate in our thinking, choices, and behavior. If we pay attention, we’ll know when we need to self-correct. If we act on extreme pickiness, we may suffer consequences such as feeling overly anxious, avoiding nearly everyone, and quickly becoming lonely and isolated. Or taken to the other extreme, we’ll not sufficiently protect ourselves from our environment and the animals and people in it. So one does need to carry around a healthy ability to properly discern how we maneuver ourselves in the world. We need to be able to assess risks and make the right personal decisions. When there isn’t much time or space, we move to the other side of the road if compelled to. When we have the opportunity we can read a book instead of merely glance at its cover.
Please know this is dictated by one’s personal factors–don’t attempt to decide when others should do anything. You don’t know the underlying reasons for what seems like someone’s extra caution or lack thereof. Not to mention there are certain things some people have chosen not to put up with or risk getting close to. It could be as harmless as people sporting tattoos or polo shirts but so be it. If you like, you can choose not to associate with those who don’t want to associate with those with tattoos or polo shirts. It’s called freedom of association and we should all respect that right because certainly, we want it for ourselves.
What about in an instance where we have time and freedom to make a more nuanced decision? In this case, we take our time to observe and interact. We ask questions. We ask acquaintances of this person, “what is your impression or experience of so-and-so?” It’s best to be able to get to know people slowly and steadily, for this will most accurately reveal their character over time. This is why it is commonly advised that couples get to know each other for two years before marriage. Before the age of dating, families did much thorough investigation to uncover the true nature of a potential in-law and his or her family and friends.
A keenly observant person will note a multitude of things about you when they meet you. Let’s say you notice someone with a relaxed body posture, nails that are cared for, and clothes that are clean and pressed. You may instantly think of them as a seemingly healthy, clean, and motivated individual. If you see the opposite of these traits, you may reasonably wonder if perhaps they’re stressed, anxious, troubled, poor, or somewhat lazy. It’s entirely possible that a fortunate looking person is morally devoid and self-centered and a pain to be around. And that the person who seems anxious and lazy might be those things to some degree but is otherwise quite pleasant, conscientious, and of good moral character. However, these details about us don’t lie. This is why Sherlock Holmes and his real life counterparts can do what they do.
A word of caution due to the potentially confounding nature of humans. Do learn to think through the notable difference between someone with a goofy style of dress and someone with aggressive posture or mannerisms. Do notice the difference between someone who merely lacks manners and someone who is rude or seems narcissistic. And be aware of the difference between someone honest but rough-around-edges versus someone elegant who shows hints of dishonesty or controlling behavior. It’s obviously best not to reject perfectly good people for shallow or ill-conceived reasons. Just as we don’t want to be rejected for our minor foibles. And of course, it’s crucial to avoid the charming snakes out there.
There’s no escaping the fact that appearance matters. You want to make sure that you appear as you are. If you’re a modest woman but dress immodestly, you’ll alienate those you may be trying to attract. And they wouldn’t be blamed for avoiding you, just as you’re not to blame for avoiding others based on what you see. You have the right to save your time and energy, too.
Your choice of clothes, shoes, hairstyle, and way of moving and speaking all tell others something about you. Make sure your appearance is in harmony with your personality, lifestyle, character, and goals. Don’t worry about judging others based on appearance. With time or energy to do so, you can always choose to look deeper. Most people do, in fact. But it’s up to you. Don’t let anyone shame you into thinking you must be drawn towards those you feel like avoiding. How would they like that kind of pressure?
Your powers of observation are there for a reason. Trust yourself enough to respect your feelings in this regard and stay open to the truth whenever possible. We all discriminate and judge books by their covers. Those who don’t pay a price.