What do I mean by hierarchy? Some things are more important than others. Have you seen a woman with impeccable nails and hair who speaks in an extremely off-putting way? Or one who does her make-up expertly but carries way too much extra weight? There are priorities in life and when it comes to looking our best, some things come before others. Here’s the ranking from most important to least:
- Health (mental, physical, emotional)
- Personal Hygiene
- Body Control (posture and movement, voice quality, facial expressions)
- Clothing
- Finer Details
Let’s break each down:
Health
This includes mental, physical, and emotional health. Health is wealth, as they say. It’s the fundamental quality of an ideal human specimen. We all have varied levels of health–none of us is perfect. The goal is to become as healthy as each of us has the potential to be. If you need to lose weight, this is an aspect of health that will go very far in terms of your overall wellbeing but also your appearance.
We all know physical beauty can take a woman far, yet if she is mentally or emotionally unhealthy, her attractiveness is going to suffer for it in ways that will soon make all the difference. So detail for yourself where your health needs to be improved and then tackle those points one by one. Do what you can to be as healthy as you can be. Go to therapy, heal from trauma, sort out your environment, create a new mindset–do whatever it takes to become inwardly healthy. This will shine bright for all to see.
Don’t worry about not being perfectly healthy. Seriously. Focus on one challenge at a time. Do your best and work with what you have. This will take you very far. Not to mention, this journey will impact your children one day because you will be their primary role model in life. If you know how to live in a way that promotes your health, so will they!
Personal Hygiene
Personal hygiene and basic grooming fall together. General care of your hair lies here. It’s worth noting that personal hygiene generally relies on health, which is why health comes before it. If you are healthy, you have the motivation and energy needed to brush your teeth, shower, and keep yourself clean and well groomed each day. This impacts health so one supports the other. It’s very much a symbiotic relationship. When you have good personal hygiene, you’re signaling to others that you’re a generally healthy person. If you lack some discipline in this area, a little goes a long way. Don’t stress about it, just steadily work on raising this bar and consistently meeting it for yourself.
Body Movements
An average looking woman can look like the most gorgeous one by knowing how to move gracefully, speak beautifully, and by making pleasant facial expressions.
Posture and Movement
Good posture is good for your health but also your appearance. Having a slumped posture is not just a matter of habit, sitting too much and not working out stomach and back muscles creates a lack of support and thus, a slumped posture. Doing basic exercise can strengthen you and help you stand and sit up-right with less conscious effort. Be mindful until you create this new habit, if needed.
Moving gracefully may be initially easier for those who are athletically gifted but anyone can learn to do it. Practice walking with your back straight, your hips slightly forward, your step light, your head looking straight ahead, your shoulders back, and your arms swinging without exaggeration. After you’ve got this down, learn to turn, sit, and squat in a graceful and ladylike way. We all have physical quirks and I happen to think they’re charming, but couple these with graceful movements and you’ll indicate your personality without detracting from your attractiveness. Old movies show women doing this very well if you need inspiration.
Voice Quality
We’ve lost our emphasis on using our voices these last few decades. One of the more powerful traits you have is your voice. People don’t hear our words so much as how we say something. Learning to speak in an attractive way can increase our overall attractiveness. There is a trend right now where many speak with vocal fry and make every every sentence sound like they’re asking a question. Try not to do the latter as it makes you sound perpetually unsure but at the very least get rid of the vocal fry. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard. It covers up your lovely voice. You don’t have to speak in a high pitched way. You don’t have to try to sound sultry. You don’t have to be overly soft. If you speak with the right volume for your environment and use your natural pitch and tone, without straining it, you’ll sound great. Practice slowing down and modulating your words so they sound clear. Old movies, again, can greatly help in this case. They often feature women who worked just as much on their voice as they did their appearance and their acting. Dropping your voice to your lower register and then raising it for emphasis (and vice a versa) keeps attention and displays your lovely vocal range. It may seem silly to give your voice so much thought but attractiveness is not just what one sees or smells, but also what one hears.
Facial Expressions
Facial expressions are a product of two things: 1) your insides coming out–so for this you need to think pleasant thoughts more often than not or your face will too often give away your worry, anger, annoyance, jealousy, rage, etc. 2) facial expressions also are a matter of habit, you may have picked up some of your expressions from your family or friends. Some of these may not be so nice looking. Monitor the faces you make during the course of a day and watch out for any harsh, ugly, or unpleasant expressions you may be regularly making. It’s ok to be funny and make some I Love Lucy faces. But contorting your otherwise lovely face too much when you’re upset is not going to do you any favors. If you’re tense, learn to relax your facial muscles. Learn to soften your gaze. If you feel sad, don’t try to cover it up. You’ll only look harsh. Being submissive to the way you feel but in a soft, feminine way, is generally the key. It will look alright, I promise. A pout always looks better on a woman than a grimace.
Doing all these will truly make you stand out in a sea of women who have not received any guidance in this area. More importantly, you’ll get a confidence boost that is grounded within your own body and within your own control, not from an expensive necklace or nice bag, or anything outside of you.
Clothes
Clothing is a favorite for us women but as you see, it’s not at the top of the list. You notice we’re working on attractiveness from within, to your plain physical body, and now, to the way you dress yourself. Each day is an opportunity to enhance our beauty or take from it based on our clothing choices. If you’re here, I take it you want to dress in a feminine way. There’s more to it than that. You want to learn to dress for your lifestyle, your personality, your body type, and your overall vibe. Learning all these can become somewhat of a journey, one women tend to enjoy. Most women learn to dress themselves well after age 30, not before, but there’s nothing stopping someone younger from figuring out what works best for them. It just takes some time, self-awareness, and effort.
Dressing for your lifestyle is a must because you need to be able to own what is practical for you to wear each day. A closet full of glamorous clothing you never wear is you begging for sadness. Carefully construct your wardrobe out of items that suit your current daily activities. Casual clothing can be just as lovely as more formal attire.
Dressing for your personality involves knowing yourself. I have a blog post on this you can check out. Otherwise, you want to avoid obvious mistakes like dressing in sharp, bright, glitzy clothing if your personality is really gentle and quiet and down-to-earth. Don’t wear vulgar clothing if you’re a wholesome person. Don’t wear shirts with slogans unless they represent you completely. You get the gist. It’s about not signaling against who we actually are. You can for fun and adventure, I suppose, but be aware that people may misinterpret you and perhaps you don’t want that to happen. It’s best to keep costumes for Halloween only.
Dressing for your body type is tricky but so rewarding. Check out Kibbe and body type related Youtube videos to go down the fun rabbit hole on this topic. You will come out amazed at how bone structure and muscle and natural fat accumulation make huge differences between us. You will be so relieved to figure out what looks and feels good on you and what looks authentically you. I can’t recommend this enough.
If you can, get your clothing tailored to you or purchase only what fits you properly. Too long sleeves or too short pants aren’t going to do you justice. Learn what brands serve you best and then seek them out. Get bra fitted so that you are not one of the many women who wears the wrong, unflattering and uncomfortable size. Wear comfortable shoes so that you are comfortable and your movements don’t look odd.
Remember that the way we dress speaks for us before we speak for ourselves. Choose carefully and be true to yourself. For example, even though I love dresses and they’re the classic epitome of feminine attire, I don’t wear many. Skirts work better for me so I wear those instead.
Finer Details
These are the finishing touches, the scent you may choose to wear, the nail polish, jewelry, and your hairstyle. Women tend to spend a lot of time and energy here, skipping some of the above steps. Ladies, you’re not doing yourself any favors.
These are details that men do not notice much unless they are already close to you. Even now, my husband can hardly tell between my make-up and no make-up days. He doesn’t notice if I’ve colored my hair. He doesn’t pay much attention to my nails or jewelry. He doesn’t care for me to wear perfume. I’ve heard many women say similar about their husbands. My point is that these details are last in the hierarchy because while they certainly enhance your beauty and refine it and often provide you a boost of energy or confidence, you don’t want to put much time or resources into this area until the rest of the list is taken care of.
If you have acne but also want expensive highlights, you’re better off paying the dermatologist than the hairstylist. If you have overwhelming anxiety, you don’t want to cope by merely getting your nails done–you need to get to the root cause of that issue instead.
Take the time you need to figure out where it is worth it for you to use details to complete your unique look. But don’t spend much time here before putting sufficient work into steps 1-4.
I highly suggest using a notebook, virtual or otherwise, to track the above steps. You’ll do better to stay organized and keep yourself accountable. Also, you can remind yourself to prioritize these in the correct order. You’ll see a major reward from doing so and as a huge plus, you’ll be on your way towards feeling your very best!