Drawing by 11-year-old A.M.
My friend…care for your psyche…know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves.
~Socrates
Formally beginning the process of acquiring self-knowledge can seem daunting. After all, don’t we all know ourselves? Have you ever been surprised by your actions, your life’s direction, by who you’ve chosen to associate with, by who you’ve become? Knowing ourselves is not as straightforward as we think. Especially not, in this day and age due to the social programming and conditioning most of us have to withstand.
Actively seeking genuine self-knowledge takes time and a few other criteria like truth and courage.
Without the truth, we cannot possibly come to real self-knowledge. Without courage, we cannot even begin to face the truth.
Self-knowledge is the foundation for wisdom and a learned skill that will serve to guide and protect you in life. Only through self-knowledge can we engage in effective self-improvement, hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts and actions, and let our strengths shine and grow.
Below is a guide to starting on the path to self-knowledge.
Tools for the Journey
Get a journal or notebook and a nice pen or use an app or other aid that allows you to comfortably document your thoughts.
Plan a few coffee or tea invites with trusted individuals for feedback or a listening ear. Or email these individuals a few questions to encourage honesty that doesn’t have to be delivered to your face.
Who Are You and Who Do You Seem to Be?
Answer the question for yourself, “What am I like?” Write freely. Ask a few trusted and honest people who know you the same question and compare the responses. Siblings, if you have a good relationship, are often helpful with their feedback–especially brothers. Ponder on any inconsistencies. Are you putting forth a different persona either in your behavior or in your own mind? If people seem to regularly misunderstand you, why do you think that is? Do you feel the need to cover up your true thoughts and personality around others?
Make a list of:
-your strengths (go all out) (ask trustworthy individuals what they think your strengths are)
-your weaknesses (be brutally honest)
-what you like
-what you don’t like
-what triggers you/makes you defensive? (this is even harder to answer than your weaknesses so do your best to put pride aside and dig down to the truth)
-what are your short-term goals?
-what are your long-term goals?
A word on Meyers Briggs Type and the like: MB has become incredibly popular in the last decade. As such, you’ll find lots of quizzes, videos, and entertaining resources on MB. Look at these resources, if you like, but I caution you to use them as a tool, not as a way of identifying your personality and your character. For example, you may read a description of a certain type and feel that it’s entirely foreign to you. It can be helpful to pinpoint traits that you feel most certainly do not describe you. And you may find descriptions that seem pretty close. Pinpoint why that is. I find MB to be useful when trying to think through personality traits because you get prompted by the resources. For example, when asked if you feel drained after a large gathering but re-energized after a one-on-one chat, it’s helpful to be given that prompt to consider when thinking about our preferences, strengths, or weaknesses.
The same can be said with the Big 5 Personality Traits used in the field of psychology. I’d merely use them as a tool or prompt when considering different aspects of one’s personality. This information can be insightful and you can wonder how you came to be so open or closed, introverted or extroverted, but I wouldn’t identify closely with any personality resource.
The reason these resources should be used with caution and can be misleading or unhelpful is because we often identify with an idealized version of ourselves or what our parents have said we’re like and then we apply that to these personality based resources and never truly confront who we really are. Or we take the type a test tells us we are and then throw ourselves into that identity as described by random persons, losing accuracy and focus and time, along the way.
And this brings us to a great point: who are we really? It’s who we act like. This is an important distinction because it’s easy to feel like we’re one way, yet behave in a way that an observer would describe us differently. And what matters and what creates our reality is what is, not what should be or what we hope to be. This is why truth and courage are so necessary to this process.
Analyze Big Decisions You’ve Made
If our actions determine who we are, then our deliberate choices provide us a wealth of information. Take note of large decisions you’ve made in your life. Were they wise? Did they lead you down an unfortunate path? Did they support your health and wellbeing? Who influenced your decisions? Why did you let them?
Finding that you’ve made some great choices in your life is highly encouraging. Celebrate the fact.
Looking into negative decisions is uncomfortable but highly elucidating. By confronting these decisions, you have the opportunity to thoroughly learn from mistakes and ensure you aren’t currently on the same train of thought that leads to more of the same. In most cases, if your decision had been positive, good would have come of it. Choices that lead to negative consequences are generally clear indicators you need to assess the way you think and make decisions. Forgive yourself and strive to move forward with more wisdom than before.
Determine When and How You Got to Be the Way You Are
Reflect on why you are the way you are. Part of our way of being is nature and part is nurture–assess this part. What kind of upbringing did you have? What major experiences shaped you? Who have been your primary influences and role models? Where did you spend a lot of time and what was the culture of that place, (like your home, school, club)? What’s the story behind your strengths and weaknesses?
Ask family you trust what you were like as a young child. Much of our personality and tendencies can be seen early on and hearing about our earliest positive traits can be somewhat of a guiding light.
If you can afford it, I strongly encourage you find a therapist. Therapy can be one of the most powerful tools for self-knowledge and awareness. Here’s a great resource on how to find a reliable therapist.
If you have a kid diary or art from your childhood, go through it. You might reflect on the thought processes or mindset you portrayed at that time.
This step can be tough because you’re often dealing with the past. Be gentle with yourself here. Take it slow. Spend time thinking or talking to a friend who is a good listener about memories that seem to act as emotional triggers.
Take Ownership During this Process
If you’re an adult, you need to take ownership over your thoughts, feelings, and tendencies. Even if you can originate a negative trait to childhood and the influences put in your path at that time, you still have to take responsibility for how you behave and think now.
This can be painful, and you may need to peacefully but adamantly confront people close to you regarding any perceived wrongdoings on their part. In the end however, you still need to take 100% responsibility for who you are as that is your only hope for any improvements you want to make.
You’ll likely increase your self-knowledge and self-awareness through this process. Just remember this is an ongoing endeavor and you’ll want to find a way to continue the work. The courage to confront the truth and the willingness to hold yourself accountable shall serve you well.
Good luck on your journey.